Why Fabio is My True Hero

As you guys know by now, I hate nearly everyone I write about. That isn't really true, it's just that I don't write about the people who I don't hate, because that would be too boring. Today, we are going to talk about Fabio. Yes, you heard me right. I've always been able to tell that I liked Fabio because I could see he had a good sense of humor. Yes, there is the obvious: he's a very good looking man, but because I am attracted to men for who they are and not how they look, I guess I wrongly assumed there was no substance to Fabio. For this, I am deeply regretful. I never knew much about him, but when I would see him on Conan, I would think he seemed really cool. Anyway, as I find out more about him, my opinion of him has gone from liking him to great admiration and respect. Think you "don't like " Fabio? Think again.

While I hesitate to even talk about George Clooney in the same article as Fabio, I feel it's necessary to tell you the reasons why I'm repelled by him,

because this is a part of how Fabio became my hero. Clooney is always whining and struggling for attention. He will take every opportunity to make something be "about HIM." Here is a recent example, from when Clooney's neighbor, Britney Spears was taken to the hospital:

"I’d gone upstairs, and I came out and I’m in a robe. All of the sudden I see all this s*** going on. I have a guest house where my assistant sometimes is, and I think, someone has broken out of prison and like escaped, because it’s a chase scene. It’s something out of Die Hard.
I get my baseball bat, which is what you always get in every film - and I called up my assistant, who I thought was in the guest house, and I said, ‘Are you OK?’ And she’s like, ‘Yes.’ And I said, ‘Look, if there’s someone in the place, say the word Stonehenge.’

And she’s like, ‘What the f–k are you talking about? I’m in my apartment.’ “I go, ‘You’re not in the guesthouse?’ ‘No.’ So I’m, like, ‘Well, then, what the f*** is going on?’ And I go out and I’m running around with a baseball bat in my robe. And it turns out it’s Britney Spears’ house is like, 300 yards from mine. So now I have to move."
Stonehenge? What world does he live in? Is he trying to make himself seem courageous, because he's failing miserably. He "got a baseball bat because that's what you do on a movie set?" Are we supposed to care that he "has to move?" Here is a perfect example where we could have done without his ridiculous story, which was clearly designed to gain him some attention, or have us sympathize with his being inconvenienced by Britney Spears.
While the ridiculous world has been "swooning" over "ladies man" George Clooney, I was never fooled for a moment
. Not only is he clearly gay,

(which is fine, just don't pretend to be a ladies man)

Upon doing a little "underground" research, I was able to find out that it is well known amongst the Hollywood gay community that Clooney is "in love with" Brad Pitt, and that the two have been "intimate" on more than one occasion, the reason that Angelina absolutely hates Clooney also.
he is an egomaniac attention whore who is not even remotely good looking,

and I could instantly see what a self-important ass he is. Every time he opens his mouth, straining to be funny,

he succeeds only in being pathetic, because everything he says is with the goal of directing attention towards him. His "acting" consists of jerking his head back and forth like a bobblehead while he strains to appear "intense."

Still, even untalented actors can get lucky and be in a great movie. What's his blockbuster movie? Exactly. There isn't one.

When he gave that speech condemning the paparazzi, even comparing himself to Princess Di, I was disgusted and angered that ANYONE was even allowing him to speak. He said "Princess Di is dead, and who should we see about that?" He went on a crusade against the photographers that had made him "famous," and this backfired on him when they refused to take his picture. He had to come crawling back, kissing their asses so that his beady eyes could once again grace the pages of the tabloids. His demeanor is always so smug and all-knowing, on subjects he knows nothing about that have little, if anything, to do with him.

Further, if I heard about his vow to remain a bachelor, (who cares) what a "prankster" he is, or his pot bellied pig one more time, I was going to scream.

Clooney doesn't have a single solid redeeming quality, and it seems that I was the only one to know this.

A few months ago, I read this article, and Fabio was my instant hero.

Nov. 15, 2007
Fabio Calls Clooney Low Class Scumbag
While attending the grand opening of Lamborghini , Fabio waxed chivalrous regarding his restaurant run-in with reportedly drunk and irritable George. “I was doing a charity for the 11-99 Foundation, which benefits the widows and children of officers killed in the line of duty,” Fabio told OK! magazine

I had dinner with six women and a photographer woman and we were just having fun, having dinner and taking pictures. All of a sudden one of the ladies said to me, ‘There is this gentleman a few tables behind you that keeps insulting me, keeps giving me the finger.’ She’s like, ‘This gentleman behind you called me a fat cow.’”

That so-called gentleman turned out to be George! “He was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him,” Fabio continued. “So I went to the table and explained to him that we were having a charity dinner and I said, ‘You’re more than welcome to come to my table and see if there was a picture of you.’ I apologized and he started being rude so I put him in his place. After I put him in his place — you know I’m three times his size — he got a little scared. I went back to my table and as soon as I sit down he paid his bill, got up and he started insulting the girls. He called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant.”

It’s not clear where in the exchange Fabio infamously told the Oscar winner to “stop being a diva.” “You have to be a low-class, scumbag to start calling a woman a name. If you’re a man, you should never. You should be a gentleman. These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He’s not even half a man.”

Not only is Fabio a true gentleman, he is completely fearless.
A stray goose landed on his face while he was riding a roller coaster, requiring Fabio to get stitches and killing the goose instantly. Fabio never flinched. Any other "man" would have been screaming like a little girl

He defends the honor of women, and he scared that little bitch George Clooney, showing everyone what a cowardly piece of trash he is.
Fabio is secure in who he is, and not afraid to laugh at himself, or his image.

Anyone who is making fun of him is jealous, it's that simple.
I love his stationary, signature, and what he wrote to Details magazine

He was interviewed by Psychology Today, how many "models" can say that?
Fabio Lanzoni started modeling at the tender age of 14.

At 46, he's the world's go-to knight in shining armor, having beefed up the covers of hundreds of romance novels. A true Italian renaissance man,

Fabio evenly divides his time between socializing, working out, managing his ladies' apparel business and caring for his 175 motorcycles.

How have your looks helped you?
Looks are a double-edged sword. With women, it has opened a lot of doors for me. With men, it's closed a lot of doors
Because men are jealous?
Not so much anymore, but when I was younger, some of the male entertainment executives felt threatened
How did you deal with that?
It's part of life. I see myself as a very fortunate human being. Most people are always comparing themselves to that top 1 percent. I compare myself to the other 99 percen
What is your advice to help women feel more attractive?
God gave you a mind, a spirit and a body, and you should take care of all three
Would you like to be married someday?
Yes. I'm looking for a woman with a really good sense of humor. There is only so much time you can spend looking at another person without conversation.
Don't you think the longer you are single, the harder it will be to adjust to being married?
But you're wiser! When you're young, you're stupid. In my 20s, I had tons of testosterone. You have to get that out of your system

Have you ever met a woman who wasn't initially attractive to you but then became so?
Oh many, many times. To me, the biggest attraction is a woman's charisma, her soul, her inner strength.
How do you pick up on those qualities?
They really shine through. When she looks into your eyes, and as soon as she opens her mouth, you can tell. If she is wise, she can jump from one topic to another.
Sometimes you meet a pretty woman, and it's like talking to a little girl. Because she's based everything on her looks, she hasn't developed anything. So as a human being, she has nothing to offer

Your ads for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! and Nationwide insurance skewer your sex-symbol image.
The Nationwide commercial was the Superbowl favorite. And we were selling death! I like to make fun of myself. I don't take myself seriously, because there is so much more to life than just being good looking

Far from being just a pretty face, Fabio is an empire on his own. He has many interests and is a saavy businessman. He developed a fragrance, has raised $$ for children's charities, launched a successful women's clothing line for Sam's Club,and posed for over 400 romance novel covers,

has exercise tapes, video games, recorded a 1993 cd called Fabio After Dark in 1994

has a cookbook, calendars, a health and fitness book, his own doll, played Claudio on the 1993 TV series Acapulco Heat, has been on The Bold and the Beautiful soap opera, Roseanne, and many other appearances. He is not just a butter spokesperson,

but also a spokesperson for furniture hardware, insurance, The American cancer Society and the Oral B sensitive toothbrush. Not only that, when he is not doing their commercials, sales drop dramatically!
Fabio is always gracious to fans

He has had many honors bestowed upon him, such as:
One of the 15 Greatest Men on Earth.. McCalls Magazine
The Sexiest Man in the World.. Cosmopolitan

One of the Year's 25 Most Intriguing People.. People Magazine
The God of Romance- RT
He doesn't drink, I love that too.
He said: "Women are just as smart as men, and a smart man is sensitive

Sickening "Housewives" Are Back, New Season Starts Tonight

How Poppers Destroyed My Life By Valerie Bertinelli

Read about Valerie's nightmare struggle with... Poppers!

How desperate for something to read would you have to be to buy Valerie's book? The excerpt was the corniest thing I've ever read, and Valerie is beyond corny.

I don't know if I can even think of a word to accurately describe her. She gives me chills of embarrassment for how corny she is.

Excerpt from "Losin'It" (even the title of her boring book is corny)

"In this book, you won't find me professing to have all the answers to life's problems. (OH!!! Because that's why I was going to read it, to try to gain insight into some of your all powerful wisdom.)
"Hey, I'm still trying to figure out most of those. Instead this story is about the choices I've made, good and bad, and how I've grown and learned from them. There are also exciting times,(Oh, I'll bet, what are they?") emotional moments, and life as it happened. Through it all, you'll get me uncensored and unfiltered—the good,(marrying Eddie-best thing that ever happened to you or you would have been long forgotten!) bad,(naming your son Wolfie) stupid,(posing on the cover of TV guide in your underwear) stubborn.
(No thanks. Not interested.)
"Some people measure depression by the medication they take or the number of times per week they see a therapist. For me, it was different. I measured my depression with baked jalapeño-and-cheddar-cheese poppers, the brand that advertises itself with the slogan "Bring home the fun."
"I'd love to meet the person who came up with that line and ask him a question. Is it really fun to see yourself blow up three dress sizes? (Oh hahahaha!!! LIKE HE TOLD YOU TO EAT A BOX EVERY NIGHT YOU FAT FREAK)

"I suppose they wouldn't sell as many if their slogan was "Pack on the pounds." On the other hand, they may do OK with a promotion that said "Forget your ex-husband" or "Eat these instead of having sex—since nobody wants to see your fat bare ass." (Oh wow you are really clever and funny, you should be an ad exec! I bet Poppers will want you for their spokeswoman now, just like Jared with Subway)

"During the cold winter months of 2002–03, when I was making Touched by an Angel in Utah, those jalapeño-and-cheese poppers were my Prozac. I was on a significant dosage: at least a box a night and sometimes more. At the grocery store, I saw other women looking at me when I loaded the boxes into my cart from the frozen food case. I could almost hear them thinking Oh my gosh that's Valerie Bertinelli. And look: she's on those jalapeño poppers."(get over yourself, like everyone knows who you are)

It was true. There were nights when I OD'd on those poppers. "My mouth burned because I couldn't wait for them to cool down after taking them out of the oven. Other times I savored the taste with tiny, almost sensual bites, drawing out the feeling of comfort and escape I got from eating. The bright smile (OKAY enough!! Your "bright smile?" God you make me sick) that served me well for so many years went into storage. So did my size 8 jeans. And my 10s. And my 12s.(and your 14, 16 and 18's) And my—well, my weight soared past 170 pounds, the highest it had ever been outside of my pregnancy."

Wolfie is three times the size of Eddie, yet Valerie claims "Wolf is my priority." It sounds to me like Poppers were.

About Living a Lie

"Those were some of the darkest days of my life, and I was eating my way through them.

By 2001 my marriage to Eddie Van Halen was over after more than twenty years of competing with his rock-and-roll lifestyle for attention. Our fights about his drinking had taken a toll. Discussing and solving our problems used to bring us closer, but now it wore us out. Ultimately, when he failed to help himself by giving up cigarettes after mouth cancer had threatened his life, I knew, sadly, that one way or another I was going to end up on my own.
"By then I was working and living in Utah eight months of the year. Full of anger and frustration, I spent at least three nights a week on a plane so I could see our ten-year-old son, Wolfie, who stayed home in Los Angeles to be in school with his friends. That wasn't the way I wanted to live or the type of person I wanted to be. But instead of helping myself, I did the opposite. I ate my misery and turned my misery into a reason for eating."

Overweight, alone, and horribly depressed, I kept eating poppers and everything else in my path. After Touched went off the air, I returned home and became a hermit. (Now THAT was the best thing you ever did!) I hid from the world, hoping no one would see that I'd gotten fat. In reality, I was hiding from the one person who could help solve my problems: me.
Wolfie is real fat with acne

I've never seen so many lame prop poses in all my life

Oh this was a good idea

By any standard, I've enjoyed a charmed life. Even though I gained notoriety by working on TV, I shunned the spotlight in favor of a normal life, driving carpools, volunteering in my son's classroom, making dinner, (making Poppers) and trying never to miss my monthly book club get-togethers.(Oh god you're boring) Of all the roles I've undertaken, none has been more satisfying than motherhood. I'm as much of a regular gal (Okay please go away.. far away) as people seem to expect—and I like it that way.
Great! Now GO AWAY
If you walked into my house right now, you'd find my cat Dexter lounging on the sunny floor in the kitchen, a large bowl of fruit on the counter, delicious-smelling vegetable soup simmering in a tall pot on the stove, the recycling trash can ready to be emptied, and paperwork and schoolbooks spread across the dining room table. You'd also see my boyfriend (Who says "my boyfriend" when you're 47 years old. GET A LIFE)

Tom (who was convicted of domestic assault three times and went to prison twice...hot!)
on the phone in the backroom,(talking to some phone sex chicks because you are boring him to death)
and me working the crossword puzzle, AS IS my daily routine. (YOUR. ROUTINE.) Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!
I love how your BOYFRIEND stands!

I like where you go! The premiere of Ratatouille !

Bertinelli, discussing Eddie's mouth cancer, tells Ladies' Home Journal: "The guy has mouth cancer, gets part of his tongue cut out, and he still insists cigarettes have nothing to do with it."
How sick to call your husband "THE GUY." Like you're SO COOL!
P.S.S. Stop talking about "Touched By an Angel', no one remembers it. It was corny like you, and it is stale like you too. In fact, just quit talking now. You're boring beyond belief. Thanks.