Oh Dear

Lauryn Hill

"Half of your face has red make-up, the other half green, and your hair is barely combed. How you gonna let people see you like that? Someone is pimping Lauryn right now. A true friend would say, ‘You have to check yourself into a psychiatrist.

Wyclef, talking about old friend and band mate, Lauren Hill

Whitney: 3 Million An Hour

Whitney Houston

Whitney has been chosen by Billionaire philanthropist John Caudwell to perform for one hour at the Caudwell Children Legends Ball at London’s Battersea Evolution arena on May 8th. She will reportedly paid $2.78million for her 60 minute performance. One catch: She must sing the song "It's Not Right, But It's Okay" for the entire hour without a break.

Mariah Saves The Day

Mariah

Mariah Carey, seen here walking her 4 dogs in NYC, will fill in for Janet Jackson on Saturday Night Live tonight, while Janet recovers from lipo I mean the flu.

Dave Chapelle Makes Wife Cry LOL

Dave Chappelle and wife

Dave Chappelle fought with his wife, Elaine, in front of their sons, Sulayman and Ibrahim, at Coffee Shop in Union Square the other day. The lunchtime crowd was shocked to see Elaine in tears after they fought because Dave had left her side to chat up gorgeous model Geena Rocero. “Geena’s very attractive,” said our spy.
Geena, and what she was wearing the day Dave talked to her:
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Paris Took Her Place

Benji Madden's ex, Sophie Monk. Pretty much the same as Paris, except normal size feet, two normal eyes, no hook nose or herpes. Meanwhile, Benji is telling friends that Paris is THE ONE. Don't get too comfy, Benji. She's the one who will give you herpes, wear you out with her ridiculous demands, and cheat on you before you can spit and holler howdy.

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Beyonce's Big Date

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Beyonce, ready for her date with Jay-Z, steps from her home yesterday to check the weather

Still Begging For Pity

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From poor, pitiful Brooke's myspace blog :

I think she shoulda thought about what kinda press she was gonna get when she slept with her best friend’s famous father . . . I think we’re all seeing just exactly how karma works Christiane. Nothing you say will ever put my family back together.”

Brookie? Your family is a joke. Your brother is a killer who your parents try to cover for, you are a man with no talent, and your mom looks like a cross between a corpse and a clown. Your "best friend" is a 33 year old woman who became your friend to get close to Hulk, your famous father, who didn't want to wake up next to someone who looks embalmed anymore, and spend his days watching her waddle around and blow through his money. No one feels sorry for anyone in your family except for your dad. Go layer your big, manly, out of proportion body with a bunch of fake tanner and glitter and make another really cool music video to promote "your career," and then GO AWAY.

Linda Hogan rushes home to try to put her family back together

The Fresh Faced Used Up Fug Lohan Sisters

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Paris and Nicole Support Their Men's Ugly Black T-Shirt "Line of Clothing"

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Nicole Richie looked pretty while at the grand opening for boyfriend Joel Madden’s new clothing line DMCA created with twin brother Benji Madden. Paris looked like a man with some horse jockey boots on. Joel is ordering Nicole back to rehab. Why, what for? She's a doting mother now, I'm certain she wouldn't jeopardize her role in society that way. She's still complaining and whining to everyone about how she hates her big, slutty boobs too. Shut up and enjoy them, you self absorbed spoiled bitch. I used to like her so much too.

Paris not only has gigantic manhands and huge, clumsy bony feet, she is pigeon toed too.
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We Can Learn From This Woman



Kirstie Alley leaves the hair salon today. Hope she hurries and develops her weight loss secrets, because I know that between her strong belief in Scientology, along with her fit and toned appearance, I want to learn all I can from her. She always looks so blissfully happy too.

Kirstie said she will “develop and pilot my own weight-loss brand that I hope to launch in 2009.”“I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride.”


Help millions? YOU? How? Tell us how you went to ridiculous lengths to hide your fat, (didn't work by the way) through blurry lenses, a support body stocking when you appeared "in a bikini" on Oprah, (you could have spared us that too) retarded camera angles and the gigantic ball gowns with layers and layers of fabric that you wore on The Jenny Craig commercials were my fave. As if anyone on earth dresses like that, hey nobody knew you were hiding your fat, the same fat you always had. The only seventy five pound weight loss was in your Scientology addled mind.

Instead of having an expert illusionist spend hours shadowing your 4 chins, why not lose some weight since you are being payed millions to do it. Here's my thing. Be fat! Who cares, cool. Just don't insult our intelligence bragging and crowing about your 75 pound weight loss because we see you. We know you're fat. Finally, after like 3-4 years of your lies, you got fired. FOR BEING FAT. We don't want your weight loss program! We've seen what it's done for you. NO THANKS.

TIP: GET OVERYOURSELF

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Supermodel Kimora Lee Simmons recently told People magazine that she’s in the tabloids every week!

"I’m in the paper every single week – that I had a fight with my ex-husband, or that I was mad at one of his girlfriends, or that I’m pregnant, or that I demand Fiji water,” she said Friday at Washington University in St. Louis. “Lies upon lies upon lies.”

Now what paper is this? It must be the one that you publish yourself about your fabulosity because I've never seen even a mention of you in anything. In fact, you're not even on the lame list of stars homes that tourists can drive by, and that made you really mad, remember?

Tyra Banks is Sickening



Pretty Berry

Other than my daughter, I think Halle is the most beautiful pregnant woman I've ever seen

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Don't Call Lisa Marie Fat




If you want to make fun of Lisa Marie Presley, there are so many better reasons than because she's fat. She's forty years old and pregnant with twins, and 5'2" tall. Now that that is out of the way, how about her make-up?

How about that she is a devout Scientologist, along with her mother and her first husband, Danny Keough? From Rolling Stone: Danny Keough, Presley's first husband, was and is a deeply devoted Scientologist.

Then there's Paige Dorian, "her assistant and friend of eight years," also a Scientologist. And Luke Watson, another Scientologist, who is "documenting her recent life on film."

Watson was reportedly once assigned to "look after Presley" by Scientology. (code for: GET HER MONEY)

Dorian and Watson accompanied her for dinner with the Rolling Stone reporter. She explained "They live my life with me." (AHHHHH!!!! The "minders!")

Like Kirstie Alley, Presley claims to have overcome drugs because of Scientology. She says, "I did drugs for four years."

Ironically, Elvis LOATHED Scientology. According to members of his inner circle he once said, "F - - - those people! There's no way I'll ever get involved with that son-of-a-bitchin' group. All they want is my money." When Elvis heard they were going to try to recruit him into their cult, he went crazy, and started doing his karate kicks, warning, "This is what they'll get if they come after Big E!"
Elvis Presley
Presley's marital history is strange and strewn with Scientology connections. Below, she enjoys an outing with her fellow Scientologists.

Twenty days after ending her first marriage with Keough she married Michael Jackson in the Dominican Republic. Her first husband's brother and wife, both Scientologists, witnessed that wedding.

The Jackson/Presley union ended after 20 months. And the lawyer that tied up the loose ends was John Coale, another Scientologist.

It was rumored that the Jackson marriage was a sham, concocted by the "King of Pop" and Scientology to neutralize an ugly sex scandal.

The Jackson marriage ended because Michael Jackson made it clear that he would not be involved with the controversial church.

Her third husband , Nicholas Cage, wanted nothing to do with Scientology.

Or, you could make fun of her because of how she dresses, and what her husband looks like:


or you could make fun of her mom's gloves:

and how ridiculously she poses:

or, you could make fun of her mom's plastic surgery

and, that she used to dress alike with her mom:
But it's dumb to call her fat, (like I sort of did, okay, I did) because she's really been pretty her whole lifeIt was fun, though. Sick, huh. (To call her fat names I mean) Because she is so pretty...
At least she used to be

Heidi Montag is a Hateful Bitch

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Heidi Montag had an opportunity to talk to Us Weekly about the new "fashion line for fugs" she’s designing, but chose to use the time instead to hate on Lauren Conrad.

Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear,” she says.
NO ONE ASKED YOU TO. NO ONE ASKED IF YOU WOULD.

Flirty Heidi strikes a pose

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“She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress … When we were in school, I was the designer, and she was in, like, product development.”

WHEN you were in school?

Heidi, you were in school and took Fashion Merchandising for two long weeks! You didn’t even make it through one semester before you quit to answer phones for Brent Bolthouse, and you were almost fired from that on your third day. You are the ugliest, most desperate whore ever. No everyday woman wants anything to do with the stupid shit you come up with. Go back to that hellhole town in the Colorado wilderness with your emo dad and shut the hell up. LIKE YOU'RE A DESIGNER!!!! Give me a f**king break! OMG YOU ARE UGLY.
Here is an outfit from Heidi's fun and flirty line:
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COVER THOSE THINGS.





Britney Jean Buys Jamie Lynne a $30,000 Nursery

This weeks issue of "Country People Magazine" Why do all these hicks have three names? I guess we better call Britney "Britney jean" from now on. UGH. It's so annoying. Jamie Lynn Spears will settle down with her new baby in Kentwood, and even though Auntie Brit couldn't care less about her own kids, the sky is the limit for her new nephew.

Jamie Lynn's son's nursery is being designed by Petit Tresor (the same company that did J. Ho's three nurseries) (THREE for 2 mutants, so that one would always be "fresh smelling) and has an ocean theme. Britney is picking up the tab, and despite her weekly allowance of $1,500, the source said, “So far she’s spent more than $30,000 on it — she’s sparing no expense for her nephew.”

Jamie Lynn picked the “Round Crib at Sea” at $1,150

the “Bliss Nursery Dresser @$995

as well as organic bedding and baby blankets that are being made by Robbie Adrian, a steal at only $93 each.

Britney did have one special request that seems strangely symbolic: an elephant in the room. According to the source, Britney ordered a custom-made, six-foot-tall elephant with a blue bow. Now THAT'S CLASS. Leave it to a Spears to go to Petit Tresor http://www.petittresor.com/ and be able to pick out the tackiest, most boring baby stuff there is FOR A PLACE LIKE THAT. Everything else there is so beautiful it makes you want 25 kids. Because after all, buying cool stuff for them (that's REALLY FOR YOU, right J.Ho?) is all that matters.

Lindsay Spent $70,000. On Orange Tanner


Along with an anger issue for her recent out of control tantrums, Lindsay Lohan has a serious cash flow prob. She is broke as joke, and hasn’t been getting movie offers since completing rehab last year.

“Lindsay has had a reality check; she’s not getting offers like she used to. She has this sense of entitlement, but her short lived stardom was a long time go. She’s definitely thinking she needs a big blockbuster just so she can go back to living comfortably,” said one source in the film industry.

So what happened to Lindsay’s Disney cash? She spent it on drugs, rehab stints and tanning appointments.

The magazine concludes that Lohan has paid more than $315,000 on rehab stays and more than $1 million on hotels (in particular, they point to the $2,700/night suite at the Chateau Marmot where Lohan lived for a time). The magazine says that she spent a mind-boggling $70,000 alone on her fake tanner.

Luckily for Lindsay, she has a great mind for business that will surely put her back on top, and that is the brand new idea of making some LEGGINGS.

It's a secret!" she told the world, but it will be a while before they come out, but I’m going to do it. Some of them will have prints and some will have patterns. I love leggings.”

Yeah, we noticed.

There was the burrito incident and she just threw a huge tantrum in Paris when she refused to walk the red carpet because Paris Hilton was on it. The picture is from that event, and as you can see, with the splattered acne all over her face, she's lucky she got to attend at all.



Life & Style

Satan's Children Celebrate The Glory of Thomas Mapother IV


I tried to avoid watching this clip from Tom Cruise's Scientology birthday bash, and now I know why. You know the Tom we always see, and how much we think we hate him? It turns out that Tom is normal, because he is a freak beyond anything we imagined before. I have so many questions and fears watching this. Taking place on a Scientology cruise ship, the clip begins with quite possibly the worst music I have ever endured, or heard, at any celebration. This doesn't stop little Tom from PUMPING HIS FIST to show his admiration for "hard rock." Then, you see Tom with all of Satan's children, clapping maniacally to clips of his movies in front of them. He cannot get enough of himself, it works him into a fever pitch! The "audience" (yes, his birthday party has an audience) is worked into a blithering frenzy at the mere sight of Tom, and he feels the same way about himself. You can see it, and feel it.

Then, oh and by the way, Katie is nowhere to be seen. This is his night, to be shared with his lover, Church leader Brother David, who is wearing a skin tight shirt, and is even smaller and gayer than Teeny himself. There are no celebrity "friends", not even Scientology ones. His party looks like a convention for weed eater salesmen. It is so unbelievably fake and corny, the party itself and the people, that it gave me chills of confusion, and concern for the human race while watching it. I don't get it, and be very frightened if YOU DO. Because that would mean you are one of them. But I bet they won't throw you a $600,000. party.

Next, some lounge singer comes out and starts belting out, "That Old Time Rock and Roll," the single most stale and overplayed song on this planet. Of course we know it holds a deep and special meaning to Teeny, because if not for this song, and him lip synching it in his underwear back in 1983's Risky Business, he would not be the star he is today.
Does he need any coaxing to go out on the stage and sing and BREAK DANCE to it? Of course not! He can't sing, at all. That's the least of his worries though. His attempt at some kind of cult- like break dancing is physically painful and intensely nauseating to watch. You see the adoring crowd and how he just FU*KING LOVES himself, and how shockingly out of place he is in this world, and it is at that moment you find yourself thinking, "who ARE these people?" and everything you have read and know about Scientology suddenly all makes sense.