The Tattlebuzz

Satan's Children Celebrate The Glory of Thomas Mapother IV

I tried to avoid watching this clip from Tom Cruise's Scientology birthday bash, and now I know why. You know the Tom we always see, and how much we think we hate him? It turns out that Tom is normal, because he is a freak beyond anything we imagined before. I have so many questions and fears watching this. Taking place on a Scientology cruise ship, the clip begins with quite possibly the worst music I have ever endured, or heard, at any celebration. This doesn't stop little Tom from PUMPING HIS FIST to show his admiration for "hard rock." Then, you see Tom with all of Satan's children, clapping maniacally to clips of his movies in front of them. He cannot get enough of himself, it works him into a fever pitch! The "audience" (yes, his birthday party has an audience) is worked into a blithering frenzy at the mere sight of Tom, and he feels the same way about himself. You can see it, and feel it.

Then, oh and by the way, Katie is nowhere to be seen. This is his night, to be shared with his lover, Church leader Brother David, who is wearing a skin tight shirt, and is even smaller and gayer than Teeny himself. There are no celebrity "friends", not even Scientology ones. His party looks like a convention for weed eater salesmen. It is so unbelievably fake and corny, the party itself and the people, that it gave me chills of confusion, and concern for the human race while watching it. I don't get it, and be very frightened if YOU DO. Because that would mean you are one of them. But I bet they won't throw you a $600,000. party.

Next, some lounge singer comes out and starts belting out, "That Old Time Rock and Roll," the single most stale and overplayed song on this planet. Of course we know it holds a deep and special meaning to Teeny, because if not for this song, and him lip synching it in his underwear back in 1983's Risky Business, he would not be the star he is today. Does he need any coaxing to go out on the stage and sing and BREAK DANCE to it? Of course not! He can't sing, at all. That's the least of his worries though. His attempt at some kind of cult- like break dancing is physically painful and intensely nauseating to watch. You see the adoring crowd and how he just FU*KING LOVES himself, and how shockingly out of place he is in this world, and it is at that moment you find yourself thinking, "who ARE these people?" and everything you have read and know about Scientology suddenly all makes sense.

Brit Bits

It's a slow news day, so here goes: Did I actually feel a slight twinge of sympathy for Britney today when I saw the photos of her standing in line at Claire's? Yes, because it's so sad and she's so child-like. To know that a 26 year old woman is spending her allowance in the mall when she was once one of the most admired entertainers in the world, made me feel, (if only for a brief moment), overwhelmed with compassion. She doesn't even see what we see, you can tell. The woman behind her is hypnotized by her weave. That damn Claire's is always so busy.

Next up we have little Jayden, Brit's son, hitting the gym yesterday with K-fat's bodyguard. This is what Britney misses out on while she shops for cheap jewelry that no one will see but her. He's really cute, but sadly, he inherited The Spears Ears, which are floppy, trailer trash body parts that he will have to have his entire life.

Now we look at Jamie lynne for a moment, (at the gas station again), and notice that for some reason, she looks like a backwoods hillbilly more than ever before in this picture! What is it about her face that looks so inbred? I can't get over it, and find it very disturbing.

On to more disturbing matters than Jamie Lynne's face, is this image of Kevin that was taken from Britney's bedroom. Brit's Dad found it propped next to her bed, and asked her about it. She said it was her favorite picture of Kevin, and he took it away from her.

Then, this picture from a recent photo shoot that Brit had at her home. Her mental illness has mutated and transformed her molecules, making her look completely different. It has nothing to do with her weight, make- up, or horrible weave, etc. She is not the same person at all. Pretty scary. Those who wonder about her having a "comeback"are idiots. You don't/can't "come back" from something as serious as years of an untreated illness such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and I'm afraid that is just the tip of psychosis and disorders she suffers from.

The Pew

First K-fat and Jamie Spears, and now two more great minds put their heads together! Lindsay's dad, Michael and rehabbed Baldwin brother Stephen, (both extremely unlikable) reportedly collaborating on a new, Christian internet site. They say it will "be just like The View", only with Christian men. Okay, now what part is like the View? UGH. Like The View is so cool. The two were seen leaving a "business meeting" at Pret A Manger in New York City. Their show will be called... "The Pew," as in church pew.

Lindsay's Rage As She Finds Onions in Her Burrito

Lindsay Lohan flew into a triple deluxe rage yesterday, while making a credit card commercial - after finding onions in her burrito. When the burrito came, Linds gasped "Oh, good, I'm so hungry!" Suddenly, she paused and said "Do I smell onions?" Everyone got quiet.

She screeched : "I didn't f****** order this! Who is the f**cking idiot responsible for this?!" When no one answered, she said, "We'll all just sit here then ... and nobody eats until someone comes forward!"

Lindsay was doing a credit card shoot, (She is unable to get a film role) at the time in L A. She is trying to have her own line of "leggings for sluts", and she recently had an art exhibit of her TATOOS. She also has many offers to pose naked.

Britney To Buy Mexican Restaurant For Dad and K-Fat

K-Fed is finally ready to start working for a living. He is reportedly interested in taking over his favorite Mexican restaurant, (called Casa Cordobes,) and wants to go into business with his former father-in-law. The two have spent long hours together, and became close while making fun of Britney. They have both had to put up with her insanity, and feel like she owes them. Jamie Spears dabbled in the restaurant business once before, but his last attempt running the kitchen went up in flames, primarily due to his alcoholism.

Of course, the two budding restaurateurs are expecting Britney to pay for their venture. Right now they are doing alot of cooking together a Kevin's, and experimenting with different recipes. They are sure having a ball, staying up late into the evening. This is the reason that Kevin has put on so much weight. "Daddy Spears, yer makin' me fat!" Kevin said with a glimmer in his eye, and the two men howled with laughter.

Chastity: Profile of Courage

Trying to establish your own career as a musician, and being the daughter of Sonny and Cher, did you ever feel you were at a disadvantage because you had to prove your own talent out of their shadow?

It was hopeless. We could not get away from them. It's still that way but it took me doing something that they haven't done in order to get what little bit of separate recognition I have. Every single article that was written about us compared our music to theirs. Whether it was positive or negative didn't matter. It was just opposed to my parents and I always felt really uncomfortable with that, especially when we were doing live shows because we went on tour before our record came out and the only reason there was for people to show up was pure curiosity because they hadn't heard anything. I always felt like I was being dissected when I was on stage and I never felt comfortable and never felt the kind of high that I thought you were supposed to feel on stage. Ironically, when I started pubic speaking and lecturing like I do now, I do get that feeling and the feedback from the audience I was hoping to get back then, but I was always too uncomfortable.

How involved were your parents in your music career? Did they ever give you an input, advice?

Not creatively. We would go to my mom for advice on the business side of the record industry. She knew our producer. He was a friend of my parents for years and years so I knew him when I was growing up. We used to talk to my mom about that a lot and also how to deal with the record company and management. She was very helpful with that but we never talked about the creative side of things. She loved our music and was always very supportive of it, but it would have been inappropriate of her to try to put her two cents in and she has a good sense to know that.

As someone born to two individuals successful in the entertainment industry among other things, what things do you feel you've inherited from them?

Their drive to put out the best. I can't think of a more eloquent word than guts. Neither one of them graduated high school, and even if they didn't know how to do something they would take the opportunities presented to them. They never allowed fear to get in the way and this is the way I've always been.

People seem to be very curious about your childhood. You have stated that there are many misconceptions about what your life was like growing up. What do you feel is one of the more major misconceptions?

I am sure a lot of people get what I do but just on a different level. Like if you run into a co-worker of your mother's and they tell you how great your mom is. Or maybe, you are being compared constantly to an older sibling or you feel you need to compete with them in school. For me, it's just that, magnified 100 times. When I was younger I felt I was in competition with my parents. But I went to Las Vegas last week to see my mom's show which spans her whole career: nearly four decades. Seeing her, I thought: Well there is just no way I can compete with this. There are only a handful of individuals of our time that have had a career like hers, and have survived and reinvented themselves like she has.

You mentioned that when you attended NYC School of Performing Arts, other students started rumors that the only reason you were accepted to the school was because your mother bought the school new equipment. How did you deal with this? How did it make you feel?

It felt terrible. I think what happened was I was sheltered in L.A. New York was a different thing. I was in a NYC public school. I was kind of a novelty. Once the novelty wore off, I was just another freshman.