Crusty Old Hugh Nearly Chokes on Sex Toy

“Hefner divulges he almost died doing what he loves best while he was with‘Playboy’ Playmate Sondra Theodore,” (below, today) said a publishing source familiar with the book.

The incident happened when Hef and Sondra, the July 1977 Playmate, were in bed making love with a small sex toy. Somehow, the sex toy became lodged in Hef’s throat, said the source.

Theodore, during the time incident took place

“He fell back on the bed, unable to breathe. But Sondra didn’t realize what had happened, said the source.

Corpse-like Hefner also admitted to allowing a man to pleasure him orally." AH!!!!!!!!!!

“Then Hef began choking and was about to pass out. Sondra quickly started pumping his chest until the toy was dislodged. What a way that would have been for him to go!”

Moldy Old Hef: "I Won't Get Married"

First, let's hear from rotting corpse Hugh Hefner:

"I love Holly very much and I think we’re going to be together the rest of my life. But marriage isn’t part of my puzzle. It’s not a personal thing - I just haven’t had much luck with marriages.”

Then he added:
"I do like to put together a good puzzle though. My favorite kind comes in 3,000 pieces, and is of some old landscape, you know, something real boring that takes about 5 months to put together. I let Holly watch me as I try to figure it all out. Then, I'll tell her, "Heat me up some of that thin split pea soup I'm so fond of, Nubbins."

And Holly, 28, still has high hopes of marriage, but accepts it is unlikely to happen.

”We are no closer to getting married than we were years ago. It’s like a car stalled at the side of the road.”

And she added:

"I gave that miserable old fool the best years of my life, and those other stupid skanks are no closer to moving out than they were four years ago. If I have to pretend to like one more silent movie, Puffins might be getting some cyanide in his soup. Just kidding. Ha Ha."

Quote of the Day

pervert - a person whose behavior deviates from what is acceptable especially in sexual behavior

degenerate, deviant, deviate, pedophile

"She'd be welcomed in my magazine. Very pretty lady. Her picture was so innocent, which further proves how schizophrenic we are about sexuality in America."
... Eighty SIX year old Hugh Hefner, on the beautiful portrait of skanky Miley Cyrus.
Okay, where do I start?
1. LIKE Miley Cyrus is pretty or a lady. She's a vulgar, pig- faced little hillbilly who got lucky on a Disney show. She's anything BUT "pretty."

She's Lindsay! Only Lindsay was cute at 15

She's giving us her corny peace sign here, too, but you just can't see it


2. If her picture was so "innocent", then what does it have to do with "sexuality in America?" She looks dead! So sexy..... AND, WHY is "America schizophrenic about thinking it's wrong for ANYONE to think a 15 year old is SEXY?" (Especially when she isn't, but that's beside the point)

3. Oh, I bet she'd be welcomed alright, into your mildewy old broken down bed to watch silent movies and eat thin soup, then have "sex" for 7 seconds with you and a bunch of dumb whores.
4. You are every bit as gross and corpse like as Larry King, YUK. I love when the stupid sluts fawn all over you and pretend to be attracted to you. LIKE THEY ARE
5. You don't begin to see how gaggingly inappropriate you are, even thinking of a 15 year old posing nude, do you?

She's a wholesome 15 year old! She hangs at da Klub with trannies, guzzling red bull w/vodka

She shows us her bra, (thanks! We wanted to see it)

She lays around on boys in their early 20's, always with her red demon slut eyes

and, finally, she poses highly inappropriately with her dad, Achy Breaky Heart Legend, Billy Ray. Okay, I'll be right back, I need to barf, I can't believe what I just said. If my dad and I ever tried to pose for a pic like this, we'd be laughing so hard

But.. they're country! They do things diff-IRNT over in them parts

Do these losers even know what innocent even means? It's not this:

It's this:
or this, a real innocent fifteen year old

Crinkly Old Hugh Turns 82

Last night when Hugh Hefner was out on the town in Vegas, he realized it must be his birthday. "How old am I?" he asked Holly.

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Not wanting to hurt his feelings, she told him he was 79.

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He had all 3 of his "girlfriends" with him

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Kendra, above, and Bridget below. He was home in bed by 9:30, but not before he ate some thin soup and watched a silent movie from 1919.

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Girls Next Door Kendra and Holly go for icecream

Hugh Hefner Needs To Go Back to Bed.. and Stay There

If we needed absolute proof that Hugh Hefner has completely lost what was left of his 82 year old mind, he wants The Olsen Trolls to pose for Playboy.
After striking out when the twins turned 18, Hugh tried again, hoping they would pose for Playboy's June issue to mark their 22nd birthday.




"Hef thinks the twins are every young man's fantasy," an insider tells Star. I'm not a young man, but has anyone seen them lately? Hugh wanting Lindsay to recreate another Marilyn photo shoot is just as ridiculous. He needs to go back to bed, eat his thin soup and make Holly watch another silent movie because his judgment is obviously long gone.








You know, I can understand why they WERE every young mans fantasy. They didn't become ugly in the way of most child stars, where they are cute for a minute then instantly mutated. They made themselves ugly with bad choices. Choices like drugs, not eating, not bathing and washing or BRUSHING their hair, and their horrible homeless hooker rags. They even have bad breath!

I had forgotten how cute they were, and could still be.

Kendra Picks Up Some Swag

The Girls Next Door star and Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson was one of the lucky ones to make her way into the The Silver Spoon Ultimate Gifting Experience for the 80th Annual Academy awards which is being Held at The Kress in Hollywood.

Kendra's Makeunder

Kendra was pretty before




I've had a few readers ask me what happened to Kendra, the 22 year old "girlfriend" of 83 year old Hugh Hefner. She suddenly looks so much older, and it's because she is going for a more "sophisticated" look now. (Which also maybe includes a little coke and too much tanning) This past Wednesday Wilkinson was spotted at the official opening of the super luxurious LMG Hair Studios in West Hollywood. “The normally bottle-blonde was happily showing off her new brown tones, bangs and a whole lot of body.”

Crusty Old Hugh Makes the Ultimate Sacrifice

"To be perfectly frank, I have unexpectedly fallen in love. It is the relationship with Holly that will probably last forever. The others (Bridgette and Kendra) will last for as long as they want it to last before going on with their careers and lives.".... EIGHTY THREE YEAR OLD Hugh Hefner

Wow, Holly, your boyfriend is really cool! He is really making the ultimate commitment to you! It must be really difficult for him to say your relationship will PROBABLY last forever, especially when he has at least 4-5 years left to live, AND HE PLANS ON KEEPING HIS OTHER TWO GIRLFRIENDS. Hugh's unselfish devotion to you is so touching, and he is so hot too.