Lindsay Looks Excited to Be Going Away With Dad for Five Days

Lindsay Lohan lurks outside of her rehab facility as she waits for her Dad Michael, who is flying to Utah to take her away to an UNDISCLOSED LOCATION for 5 days. It won't be a secret for long, because you know both of them are going to be posing for a spicy photo shoot while they bond over their fake father/daughter healing session.

Britney: Sweaty and LOST

For those of you who missed Britney's sweaty underarm stains yesterday, here is a nice close up for you. Also, I just found out that she had to ask the photographers DIRECTIONS TO HER OWN HOUSE because she said she couldn't remember where it was. OH MY.

My Favorite Pic of the Day

What pretty fingernails, and I love the tanner between her fingers too. Do I really need to say whose hand this is? I didn't think so.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is heading back to court today, Life & Style magazine is reporting exclusively.

Team K-Fed is going to LA Superior Court to discuss Britney’s driving without a license over the weekend while her kids were in the car.

Spears was recently charged after fleeing the scene of a crime and she was also charged with driving without a valid California’s drivers license.

The DMV later said that Britney has NEVER been issued a drivers license, which you are... um... supposed to have.

Jess Wins the Big Prize

Cool. Hot. Smart. Fun.

That's how Poison lead singer Bret Michaels summed up Jes Rickleff on Sunday, when he chose the Illinois native as the winner of in VH1 reality show "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels."

After vying against 24 other women during 12 episodes, Rickleff won the singer's heart during the season finale by refusing to share him with the other contestant, Heather.

The prize? To become Michaels' girlfriend. Ha! Ha!

After the show aired, Rickleff said her victory turned a bit sour when she saw the show's editing; she was particularly upset with a scene where the camera blurred thelower half of her body to make it appear nude. Rickleff insists she was wearing a bikini.

"Of course I'm thrilled to win, but I'm not a happy camper about that right now," Rickleff said. "I tried to portray myself with morals throughout the show, and I guess they tried to mess with me a bit at the end."

Jes is still coy about whether she's still dating Michaels.

Bret Michaels needs a NURSE more than he needs a girlfriend. He comes with way too much baggage, and he's a big baby. I doubt they are still "dating," as this was just another fake reality show. Bret also revealed to Rolling Stone that he did have sex with Heather right before he cut her loose, and that he had received regular oral pleasuring (GROSSSS) from that hideous Lacey.

Britney's Big Day

Britney had a big day yesterday. First, she ran out of gas, as she always does. She feels it's easier to run out, because then the paparazzi will pump it for her and pay for it. Then she went home, grabbed her bird hat and her nightgown, and took the boys to Tony's Tavern to eat, because her bodyguards have all said that she has NEVER ONCE fed them at home.

Lindsay Steals Steve-O's Coke

This Should Last Four Months

Sources tell TMZ that the couple could wed as early as today at the infamous "Little White Wedding Chapel." Earlier this month, Anderson, 40, told talk show host Ellen DeGeneres that she was engaged. Salomon, 38, is best known for producing and co-starring in Paris Hilton's sex tape "One Night In Paris," and was previously married to "90210" actress and "Charmed" vixen Shannen Doherty. He's one classy dude! Between the two of them, they better stock up on the penicillin! Pammy is a mother of two and was most recently married to Kid Rock ... for three months. Before that, she married Tommy Lee... TWICE, the first time after knowing him for 36 hours. YUK.

Pam's currently working at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas -- as a magician's assistant, and recently admitted to clearing a $250,000.gambling debt in exchange for sex.

Shiloh Pitt Has a Tooth

Sorry, I don't think she's that cute. She's okay, but Jayden James Federline is WAY cuter.

Big Rock of Love Finale TONIGHT!

Celebreality did a photo collage of Heather's hair each week as she waits to see if she is the chosen one. Tonight is the night! Whoever Bret Michaels picked, (like he is a prize anyway), they are probably already broken up. Lucky for us there will be another version of Rock of Love with a different worn out middle aged "rock star."

Don't Get Too Excited...

Apparently, these two new flavors of candy bars are being tested in a VERY SMALL market somewhere in Greece. I mean Grease! But luckily, in our world, Reese's is coming out with a candy bar to honor Elvis Presley, which will be a peanut butter cup with a layer of banana creme. What... no bacon? Yum!

BREAKING NEWS! Oprah is Rich

According to Forbes, know it all Oprah made 260 million last year. UGH.

I'm So Tired of "The Finger"

I love the length of Mini Me's finger! Diane Keaton and Kirstie Alley have fingers too. Katie Couric, Courtney Love and Ashton Kutcher show us their fingers, and at least Tommy Lee switches it up by thrusting two fingers at us! Nicole Richie even gives the finger while sitting on Santa's lap. Justin Timberbitch is real mad when he gives the finger, and Jody Foster has a really long finger. Jessica Simpson "gives" the finger like she does everything else..hers is PATHETIC, and Axl Rose gives HIS (6) FANS the finger while he's singing some horrible song! Does anyone even care if someone shows them their finger? I know I don't. It's WAY TOO STALE. When someone shows me their finger, they are saying "I am trailer trash." Period.

And you know what? I can proudly say I have NEVER stuck my middle finger up AT ANYONE. There are so many other ways, with the magic of hateful words, that I can convey my message.

Just where did "the finger" gesture come from? In the Middle Ages, the long bowmen used to fire with their index and 2nd fingers - when they were captured by the French they would have those fingers chopped off! The long bowmen (who hadn't been captured) used to taunt the French by sticking their two fingers up at them to show they could still fire. Later, I guess they got tired of holding up 2, and just started holding up the middle one.

They Broke Up. Who Cares.

Kate Hudson and Dax Shepherd.

What I Think His Breath Smells Like

Jambalaya, Menthol Lights, and bitterness from having to use the “L” all these years ’cause some motherfu*kin’ actor named “Samuel Jackson” joined SAG before he did.
Thanks, Holy Candy

Pink Getting Divorce After 3 Years

I don't really care if Pink and her husband Carey Hart are getting a divorce. I think they are but that is kind of beside the point in this post.

What I love is that US Weekly asked Pink's rep for a comment on the report that Pink told all her friends at dinner a few weeks ago that,“We’re just not getting along anymore. We each need our space. We need our distance. It’s not like it was when we first started, and we are going to end it.”

Pink's rep called the story "complete bullshit."

Whether or not her rep was lying through their teeth you have to love the fact they just came out and gave a statement that is truly representative of what Pink would say if a reporter asked her. That's how it should be.

Can you imagine Pink ever saying, "Carey and I are committed to our relationship. Each marriage has its ups and downs but we remain the best of friends and have a marriage that is not unlike so many others in the industry where demands on our time do not let us spend as much time with each other as we would like."

Hell no. Pink would just say, "mind your own f**king business," and she has a rep that personifies her which is really refreshing.
Her (great) new song WHO KNEW is obviously about the end of her marriage.
source: Crazy Days and Nights

Trolls to Wed

Tiny troll Nicole will marry Big Troll Joel before their baby is born. Now we can all sleep at night!

The Wedding Fairy, a wedding planner based in the OC, will coordinate the small ceremony that is to take place October 13 in Laguna Beach, Calif. Looks like their baby will be born into wedded bliss! Sources say Paris Hilton will not be invited. Oh, how sad...

TMZ contacted Lorraine Keseloff, the wedding planner and owner of the company, who had no comment and quickly hung up the phone.

Inside the Secret Life of Sally Struthers

Well, there is no news today, so I thought it would be fun to uncover the secret life of Sally Struthers. That's just how my sick mind works I guess, so here goes. The "bubbly" actress was TV's Gloria on All in the Family in the 70's. Then she got real fat and worked for Save the Children, and it just seemed wrong, because the kids were all so hungry and she wasn't!

Sally Struthers is a psycho! She collects a bunch of crap, and lives in a house packed with tacky junk and 250 cats. Other startling news... she can afford a housekeeper, and made Dionne Warwick, (Whitney Houston's aunt) real mad!

"The warehouse people love me," Sally said from her home in the Hollywood Hills. "I've got so much stuff, a lot of it is in storage. I guess I'm a packrat."

No kidding. She collects angels, stuffed Scotty dogs, tiny antique dolls, silver frames, wedding cake toppers, cats, antique perfume bottles and decorative pillows. And that's just in the bedroom! "I must have 250 cats by now," laughed the portly actress. She also collects antique masks, drink glasses, tin doll houses, teapots, little books (5" tall or shorter) and tiny shoe replicas.

"I think Maryelena, my dear housekeeper, secretly hates me," Struthers laughed. "She's the one who has to dust all this stuff."
"As soon as that rooster wallpaper went up in my kitchen, roosters were flying at me from every direction," Struthers said. She was given rooster pictures, statues, salt and pepper shakers, a water pitcher, a plate with a rooster and an antique brass vase with a rooster image. Her response to the incoming tide? Start a new collection!

Sally even has collections she doesn't see any more, because they're in crates buried in a sea of other crates in a warehouse somewhere. Her collection of black memorabilia, for example, used to be displayed in a huge, converted linen closet off one of the bathrooms in her former residence.
When Struthers put the house up for sale, one of the people who came by to have a look was Dionne Warwick, the singer. "She absolutely loved the place, but when she got to that closet and saw the black memorabilia, she was offended and left very quickly. I was so devastated I took it all down and put it in boxes. I'm sorry she felt that way. I didn't realize the collection could offend."

Stripper Has Her Finger Bitten Off

A dancer at a strip club has been charged with assault after she was accused of biting off the finger of another dancer, court records said.

Jasmine Summerville, 21, of Green Bay, Wis., was dancing at Dancers Ranch in Cedar Rapids, Iowa on Wednesday when an altercation occurred, Police Lt. Charles Mincks said.
Amber Ross, 26, began screaming and approached Summerville in a threatening manner and pointed her finger when Summerville allegedly bit the finger off , police reports said. ONLY IN IOWA.

Morning Pitney

Britney Spears has been begging KFed to give her a second chance at love with him. A source said that she thinks if she has KFed back it'll help get her life back on track. KFed told her to step off and it apparently sent her into a deep depression. When she found out KFed was dating Playboy model and Colin Farrell's sex tape co-star, Nicole Narain, she flipped out and called the Befrienders suicide hotline several times. Release that tape! Enjoy the pics of Brit walking like a sasquatch with a bird on her head.

A source said, "Britney's boiling with jealousy and has been calling Kfed day and night to check he's not with Nicole.
She's desperate and thinks if she can get Kevin back he'll drop the custody battle—but that's not going to happen."

The source also claims that Brit was ordered by the court in a secret hearing last Friday to have psychological tests. Now, Britney feels her only option is to....

FLEE TO CUBA! No, I'm not kidding.

"She's terrified of losing her sons. There are no extradition laws in Cuba, so she thinks it's her only hope."

Because of all this drama, friends and family want Brit to join Lindsay Lohan in rehab in Utah. That's just what that bitch needs.

Here's Britney visiting a furniture store in Malibu yesterday, with her sweaty armpits. Ewww. Before this, she stopped traffic on the Pacific Coast Highway because she had car trouble, and was wandering around through five lanes of traffic with her 2 sons.